life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
