Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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