I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
