I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
