Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
