We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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