I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize