Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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