Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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