you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
