The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
not ubering you a puppy
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
