she takes plan B like it's going out of style
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
