Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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