just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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