I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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