My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize