Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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