happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
