last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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