i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
