Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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