May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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