Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
