You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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