I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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