I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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