I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
