My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
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