I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
