i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
