Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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