She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
