Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
whose parrot is this?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
