$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
