Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
