my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Randomize