i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
