He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
