help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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