We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
