Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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