dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
