i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
