you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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