don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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