I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
