there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
