if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
