you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
