I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
