yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I want to fling myself into the sun
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
