So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Someone came in the potted fern
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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