just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
