It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
