:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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