I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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