There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
