Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
